St Jean Pied de Port

St Jean Pied de Port

The Route

The Route

Monday, October 17, 2011

Am I really Pregnant?- Week 16

What an amazing sound, the sound of your baby's heart beating for the first time.

People kept telling me I didn't look pregnant so of course what does my pregnancy brain start doing. Analyzing and searching the web for clues to prove I am. Like my missed period for 4 months wasn't enough. Even me being a doula started to wonder why I wasn't showing yet, why I wasn't feeling anything yet, and what happened to that dreadful nausea? Like clock work at the 14th week it went away. Thus leaving me alone with my emotions as one of the only "signs" I was pregnant.

We had refused the first ultrasound wanting to keep them down to a minimum. I don't regret that choice, I actually find it funny that we need more as humans even when dealing with pregnancy. We want a window into the uterus to show us that baby is ok... forgetting to trust our instincts. I had no feeling that anything was wrong, just wanted to feel more now.

It's funny what we women put ourselves through when we are pregnant, and it is no wonder we all line up like sheep at the doctors office saying sure whatever you think is best. We have ceased to believe and trust in our instincts. I have been here twice before yet I still wondered... should I feel more already, should I look bigger already, should I... more, more, more.
So when we stepped into the midwives office I had a sense of relief when I heard it .... our baby's heartbeat.... that wonderful thunderous sound. I have started to feel the quickening, it is so mild if you breathe you miss it... some describe it as butterflies... maybe... but it is more like gas bubble floating from one side to another... I don't know truly how to describe it... but when you really feel it for the first time and you can defiantly tell it isn't gas.... it is yet another amazing and wonderful reminder that you are not alone.

My partner is amazing through all of this, constantly checking in with me to see how I am feeling, and asking how does it feel, how do you feel right now. She says goodnight to the little squirt each night rubbing my belly before nodding off to sleep. She looks to me sometimes with awe, amazement and wonder. I know for her she would have loved to carry but circumstances beyond our control led us to my carrying again. So I try to ensure she is constantly aware of everything that is going on... doing all I can to include her in the daily events. I look forward to the first time she can feel the baby play with her from the inside of my belly. The other night she felt a kick, though some say it is far to early for her to feel it, I like to think she did. I am truly one of the luckies women alive... a partner who is so loving and a baby that is growing, healthy and a pregnancy so far that has been event free.