Always listen to your gutt

Checking in early usually means avoiding long line ups, it means printing off boarding passes, it means removing hastles of airport check ins right???  Wrong... when you have an infant in lap or are flying with Air Canada it simply means having the illusion that you won't be standing arond for 1.5 hours in a cue with really grouchy people.

We follow all the steps to check in and even call the airline to verify we have done everything correctly, and yet our family has to endure a hellish 1.5 hour checkin.  Not only do we have to wait in line as Air Canada doesn't seem to feel that families with children deserve any breaks   They inform us not to come in until 1:45 as our flight departs at 3:45 and we've already been checked in....

So despite our better judgment we believe said horrible misinformed person and we show up as they suggested.  We are told we have to wait in this line from hell with our almost 4 year old who hasn't had lunch and is running on cereal and a few organic cereal bars.  We look around at all the other pissed off parents and older people who haven't joined the ranks of the technologically savvy people and wonder WTF are they thinking?  Who does this to families.  First off we as a family of four pay more for a flight then the single person who smiles at us as they zip by our line in the already checked in so avoiding all the hastle line.  You can see the families with small kids wanting to throttle those passengers.  The other single older folks look at your off their head toddler and think why can't you control that horrible beast.  Meanwhle you want to sick them on everyone there so as to show the morons who felt families don't deserve any special treatment they should really consider a F'ing famly curotosy lineup.  

All the families towing car seats, strollers luggage for 4 waiting for over an hour, each of us looking longilgy at the line up thinking please just let us go...   When we finally do get to the front the woman takes our information yet fails to print off a boadinng pass for our youngest.  We have no clue we are missing anything so we lug our luggage to customs go through the painful process of having to scan our passports maunally ourselves, take photos of each of us and then continue with the luggage to they US customs offiical only to find out we can't get through without this boarding pass.

Lucky for us they did think of placing an Air Canada ticket adgent at the security gate and they give us a pass for our daughter avoiding us having to lug everything back around the corner down the hall to the previous line up.  Good thing cause our flight at this point is boarding.

So we rush through the security check point I won't even mention the water my partner fails to throw away and thus is found in the xray scan  We arrive at our gate late and my partner goes up to the woman tells her we were held up hoping she'd allow us to board the plane and instead are told to wait in line because we've missed the point where they fianlly cut the familes a break and allow us to board the plane early.

I swear if we ever fly AC again I am going to make sure I unleash my toddler on them so they can get some first hand understanding of why you just don't do that to families.  So if your travelling with kids and are told to just show up 2 hours before laugh at them and show up 3 hours early so you can actually sit and enjoy a coffee or at least try to instead of rushing throught he aiport yelling hurry up were gonna miss our flight.

Don't forget the passports

Travelling with 2 kids in tow may seem to some like a lot of work but it's really about prep time. Prepping for a trip with kids goes like this.  You write a list and then re-write it a million times.  You pack and un-pack about 10x in hopes to get the stuff you need to fit into the allowed baggage with no additional cost to you. You get the shoes your going to have them wear and realize the day before the trip the kids feet have grown and now don't fit into those perfect shoes you picked out for them.  Thus forcing you last minute to have to dig into the treasure chest of shoes you have stored, if your so lucky,  to find a pair that will work.  In the end though as long as you have your essentials, diapers, natural pain and cold meds, toys, entertainment, snacks and in my opinion a good stroller and carrier your all set.  The other stuff can be picked up when you land if you really need to and forget something your kids can't live without.  Lucky for me my partner is completely organized and writes list upon list so the likely hood we forgot anything is pretty slim but for some reason I am worried my bathing suit didn't make the cut.... Oh well we shall see when we land :)

We are heading to Hawaii for a 5 week vacation.  We have the house/cat sitter in place, and have been packed for about a week.  The kids are so easy that they really don't care about what is going on or they simply don't realize for the next 5 weeks they won't be home surrounded by the toys and familiar items that make most of us feel safe.  My youngest biggest concern is that her pack-pack (harness back-pack) comes along.  At a ripe old age of 21 months she really doesn't demand a lot other then boob and snacks :).  My son well he's almost 4 and let's say he's in between the OMG why are threes so bad and all grown up supposed to be Fantastic 4 stage.  We've packed an IPAD for him though we never allow him to play on one we've learned Air Canada has opted for IPAD's as the choice of entertainment source on their flights.  What is that about????? Who does that to people on a 10 hour flight.  I did call them and ensure there is a plug cause let's just say if we can't zone the kid out on movies about 5 hours into the flight the kids going to turn into Godzilla.  God help us all.

The flight is about 10 hours and with the added time before for check in and then baggage claim we should be travelling for a total of about 14 hours.  Arriving in Hawaii at about midnight our local time I imagine the kids will be a bit of a wreck.  It's expected with a time change and all.

So for today we have packed the car, are about to load up on food for the trip cause did I mention Air Canada also DOESN'T PROVIDE FOOD????? You don't want to know how much we paid for these tickets!!!! Ok I degress...so as I pick up the last minute food for our dinner on flight cause we refuse to pay for crapy airline food and finish the final touches of cat proofing the house we are fully prepared and ready to go.

If I forgot anything well it's too late now we are off.

Breaking the Silence

Like a black cloud coming over you Postpartum/natal depression engulfs you until you can’t see clearly.  You lose track of yourself, the person you once were, the person you once loved ceases to exist.  I am a doula, I am trained to see PPD/PND in my clients.  The warning signs that signal a woman is on a slippery slope were so easy for me to see in my years as a Doula.  However when you are that person standing on the ledge its as if you are blinded by the fog.  Looking back I can see how it began.  Going to bed early, hiding in the bedroom, pulling away from friends and family.  All the signs I question my clients for in the months after the birth of a child and I had them all present yet not visible to me.  How could I a doula be so blind to the fact that I was losing myself?  How could I have allowed this to happen to me?   Shame sets in, you begin to feel as though your feelings are wrong.  How could I feel so down when I got exactly what I wanted.  A baby girl I longed for,  a rainbow baby after two early loses.  It wasn’t just my own thoughts people are so unaware of what a few simple words do to a mom.  The words “at least you have a healthy baby” or “how can you be depressed you have beautiful children”.  As if this state of mind was my choice and not my captor.  

People think PPD/PND is definable by one set of rules.  Like if you have PPD/PND you must be crying all the time, withdrawn from your baby, tired, but it’s not the same for every woman.  Where one women will feel those exact feelings others may experience it in the form of anxiety or anger.   Some women feel like their baby is in harms way not from themselves but from the world, others may feel themselves are unable to care for their child.  Neither one is more definable than the other each leads to the same fog ridden path.  When I finally figured out what was going on it was too late.  I was knee deep in the fog and my relationship was severely affected.  Where stood my once best friend a stranger now took their place.  We were so distant and so apart we could hardly see the others pain.  

Each day I lived for bedtime, I longed for the hours to go by so I could retreat to my bedroom and be alone with my kids.  I lay in my room feeding my youngest and waiting for my toddler to fall asleep.  Then I would watch endless hours of Netflix watching one series and moving on to the next.  Watching them became a way for me to be numb, to silence the thoughts in my head, to have moments of clear stillness.  These characters become my friends in a way, I longed to see them on the screen and felt safe when I was watching them.  I reached out to people on Facebook and talked to them about anything but how I was feeling.  I withdrew from my friends because I was worried that they would think I was crazy for feeling this way.  Shame made me go deeper and deeper into hiding until I was so lost I couldn’t find my way back even if I wanted to.

One night when I was sleeping it came to me, the reason my birth affected me so.  It was at that moment that I realized something was seriously wrong with me.  I wasn’t myself, I needed to find me again and maybe the way back to my life partner would once again become clear.  One simple act during birth, the breaking of my waters, triggered in me a moment in time that had taken place over 20 years prior.  A moment I had not thought about for several years had somehow consumed me in a way, and I had no idea it was happening.   Once that became clear and I was able to voice it to my partner, I thought it would be easy to return home.  It isn’t that simple though, you can’t just return to the moment in time before PPD and pick up where you left off.  In the wake of destruction so much has to happen before you an even hope to put the pieces of your old life back.  I began taking my placenta tincture, the one I had prepared for myself as I had done for many clients before this birth.  I finally started to feel like me again, if it was a placebo affect as some call it so be it, because it saved me.

The fog doesn’t leave right away, it slowly gets clearer but I can’t say you ever feel whole again.   Once it touches you it’s almost like it makes a dent in your soul and will remain part of you forever.  People need to stop shaming women for feeling this way after birth.  They need to realize that it has nothing to do with them or with the children that are born.  Of course we are delighted to be mothers, of course we are beyond the moon that we have had these precious babies, it isn’t about that.  For those that have PPD/PND due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder brought on by the birth it’s ok to feel this way.  It isn’t OK for people to say things like at least you have a healthy baby, at least your baby is here alive and well.   I wish for once the medical world would see how important birth is not just for baby but for mother as well.  More than 50% of the women I spoke to ended a relationship after a bout with PPD/PND.  How can we then say that the only thing that matters in birth is a healthy baby?  When in the end PPD strips from you months, years of memories you could have had.  When it beats your relationship to the point where you may not ever be able to return things to the way they were before?  Birth matters of course the health of the baby matters but so does the health of the women, of the mothers of the families. 

I lost months, years of my life to PPD/PND.  I am not sure how things will play out in my life, I’m not sure if things will ever go back to the way they once were.  I’m forced to watch videos of my kids and try to remember how I was feeling when I captured those moments.  I am forced to remember a time when the love of my life was also my best friend.  I can’t change my past I can only hope that in my pain, in my sorrow you can understand your not alone.  I feel your pain and I hope you can see there is no shame in asking for help.  The shame lies in the medical staff that ignored our health, it lies in the people who instead of holding us shamed us into feeling like we don’t matter like we needed to hide.  Enough is enough we need to stand together and let others know that we aren’t going to hide from it any longer.  That were are going to fight for the rights of women everywhere to have their feelings understood, their voices heard and their mental health treated equally as important as their newborn baby.  No more silence.  To the women who took their own lives because they felt so alone I am so sorry that the system failed you.  To the children without a mother now, it was never about you and I am so sorry the system didn’t protect your family.  PPD/PND is a horrible road to be on but your not on it alone.

Packing list for baby

Packing List for toddler by Viviana Marinacci

Carrier
Stroller
Toys for plane
Books for plane
Snacks lots of them for plane
Blanket to cover and block out the rest of the people on the plane
Diapers
Wipes
Bum Balm
Change Pad (to help with changes if baby can't stand)
Sun Glasses
Sun Screen
Clothes
Bug Spray (depending on where your heading)
Homeopathic meds or meds for teething, fever, cold and pain
Teething toy (depending on age)
Bottles
Sippy Cup
Water shoes
swim goggles (age dependant)
Towel (though not necessary hostels and hotels usually have these)
Water shoes (the sand can often be too hot for babes feat)
Camera
Camcorder
Hat (and maybe a strap to keep hat from becoming lost
swim suit
swim diaper

you can also bring some snacks or treats for the flight attendants and people around you.

You can pick up toys for the sand at most stores wherever you go so no need to pack those.  Green toys are available in most countries as are Hape.

This is to be updated if I feel I forgot something important :)

Flying for two...

It is so different for me flying with child. Fortunately for me the person who was scheduled to sit next to me in the three person set up didn't show up. Not sure who was more fortunate him or me.

So my midwives expressed the importance of drinking loads of water on the flight, which of course I made certain I did. Which meant at least every hour I was up peeing myself silly. What I wasn't prepared for was the take off which normally I love, this time it was a nightmare. Between the ear popping that never ended, the dizziness and of course light headed feeling I thought I was in hell. Kimberley then told me that is what she felt like the past week during her dizzy spell episodes ... gross.

The landing was much the same.

Vancouver is behind us by about 3 hours so when we arrived at 1pm it was already approaching our dinner time, which meant I was getting irritable and easily annoyed. We took the train downtown to our hostel where they proceeded to tell us that we were unable to get two lower bunks. Well that is just great you have me pregnant and peeing all night, and Kimberley not pregnant, foot injury and peeing all night. So of course after much debate and back and forth I took the upper bunk. So sorry to the young one who was sharing a room with us and took the lower bunk... up and down all night. We ended up or rather I ended up crashing at about 7pm, Kimberley followed not long after.

Another thing I am not used to is the feeling of exhaustion that normally doesn't hit me so soon in the travels. Usually I am able to adjust just fine with the time change and traveling. This time when we walked to and back from the train station to get a time frame required to walk at 5AM to catch our 6 o'clock train to Portland I was so beat I thought I was going to faint.

Ultrasound day ;0)

So the ultrasound did what I had expected had it's positives and negatives.

As the technician did her thing I laid there refusing to look at the screen as my partner was told to wait outside while the measurements were taken. It isn't like in the movies where you both go in, you laying down and your partner watching the screen in anticipation of seeing the wee one. Instead you are taken in and the technician sits there preforming the scan slowly making notes as to what she or he finds. You can choose to watch or not but in the end the silence in between her verbal notes can get to you.

As I laid there hoping she would be done quick and my partner and I would be reunited I began wondering... what is taking so long? Is there something wrong... does she not see the baby... does she see two.... is the heart beating? Why is she going so low... why is she up so high...

When my partner and our friend were finally allowed in she told me baby looked fine, that by the measurements I was 5 days further along than anticipated. Now my partner and I both know the exact day we inseminated for the first time so the fact that the dates have changed is perplexing. How is that possible ... none the less that didn't really bother me at least not at the moment. Talk to me in 4 months and 1 week when they begin to tell me I am really overdue when I am actually on time and it will be another story.

She then asked my partner and friend to leave the room so she could do one more thing. Little did I know at the time but she believed that my placenta was lying low. 5% of pregnant women between the 18th and 20th week have a low lying placenta and out of that only .5% will require a C-Section because it doesn't move up in the later stages of pregnancy. Anyway she asks me if she can preform an internal scan and after I ask her if there are any risks associated she says no and up she goes. As she is doing an internal scan I begin to think, what if I wasn't a doula? What if I didn't know the odds of my placenta moving up in later pregnancy? Would I be lying there in tears because I think I might now lose my chance at a vaginal birth? Yes I believe I would have, even though I am a doula and know the odds it pops into my head... lucky for me though it leaves as quickly as it enters. I know my odds are good at the home birth I am hoping for. I am calm and assured things will turn out OK no matter what happens.... As she finishes up I look to her and ask so is everything OK? She looks at me and says it will all be in the report at your doctors within one to two days. Like that isn't going to send a mother into a frenzy. It is the one reason I did not want an ultrasound... but in the end I wanted to ensure all was well with the baby and get the picture for the scrap book. I guess in the end if you ask me if it was worth it I would say no. Simply for the reason that subconsciously I may wonder about that potential low lying placenta or the 5 days I lost in my pregnancy... and I don't want to put any energy into it. The baby will come when he or she is ready... and the placenta will shift up...

Check out this link if you are worried about your own diagnosis of a low lying Placenta... http://www.bellybelly.com.au/pregnancy/low-lying-placenta-placenta-praevia

As for the pictures WOW they gave me a 3D photo... well it cost me 15.00 but that was well worth it.... I can't believe it is real sometimes... and when I can't I will look at that picture... well that is until I can feel solid movement as opposed to the small... was that a kick that is happening right now.

Oh on a positive note baby has all the fingers and toes they are supposed to ... a brain and a spinal cord to match ;0).

Pregnant Dreams- Week 17

This past week I have been wondering if our dreams are a reflection of the person we are carrying inside. Do our dreams have a connection to the past lives of our little ones. That is if you believe in past lives and all.

I guess because I have taken some sciences and Reiki levels I believe in the statement energy can neither be created nor destroyed. So if that is true then our soul which is made up of energy has been around longer than our bodies have.

In the past week or so I have been wondering if my dreams are an insight into the person who once was. It isn't like you can google this and come up with a definitive answer to this question. I asked my parter and my friends and they believe it is possible.

Being the person I am I require more than the it is possible answer.... I want reassurance to know that my dreams have a purpose, that the soul inside of me has chosen to communicate with me, letting me in on where they have come, and what they have been through to get here. Yes I was the kid who searched for the clues that Santa existed beyond the gift left under the tree.

Some websites believe that the soul enters the fetus at different times in the pregnancy. For some it is early and for others it is later. In the end though I guess it all depends on your belief system. My mother believed in Heaven and Hell, that once you died you were done. I can't say I agree with her or maybe I just don't want it to be that final. I'd rather believe that we are here now learning what we can but when we die we will be reborn into another body for another crack at life.

If this is the case, and I am truly experiencing some type of visual window into our childs past. then they had a hard life before this one. It sounds weird I know, dreaming of sad times at such a joyous time. I walk around during the day elated, feeling happy, day dreaming of our little ones birth. There is no sadness just happiness, no fear just excitement, so to try to explain why I am dreaming what I am some nights would be impossible. I just know on some nights I dream of a child who had a hard life, sadness and lack of love. As well I can't say how old this soul was when they passed the first time as I can only envision them as a child.... The creator has a purpose for everything that happens to us I believe anyways, so I have to believe that this soul was paired up with us to make this life different for them. I only hope I do justice to the Creators plan and to this soul.

I can say one thing this child will never feel a day where they will wonder if they are loved. My partner and I have loved this child from before they were even conceived. We aren't perfect by far and are not ever going to claim to be mistake free... after all parenting even after you have had children is a constant and never ending series of learning and growing. However, we will always strive to do the best for this child and to be the best we can be that is what parenting should be about.

Am I really Pregnant?- Week 16

What an amazing sound, the sound of your baby's heart beating for the first time.

People kept telling me I didn't look pregnant so of course what does my pregnancy brain start doing. Analyzing and searching the web for clues to prove I am. Like my missed period for 4 months wasn't enough. Even me being a doula started to wonder why I wasn't showing yet, why I wasn't feeling anything yet, and what happened to that dreadful nausea? Like clock work at the 14th week it went away. Thus leaving me alone with my emotions as one of the only "signs" I was pregnant.

We had refused the first ultrasound wanting to keep them down to a minimum. I don't regret that choice, I actually find it funny that we need more as humans even when dealing with pregnancy. We want a window into the uterus to show us that baby is ok... forgetting to trust our instincts. I had no feeling that anything was wrong, just wanted to feel more now.

It's funny what we women put ourselves through when we are pregnant, and it is no wonder we all line up like sheep at the doctors office saying sure whatever you think is best. We have ceased to believe and trust in our instincts. I have been here twice before yet I still wondered... should I feel more already, should I look bigger already, should I... more, more, more.
So when we stepped into the midwives office I had a sense of relief when I heard it .... our baby's heartbeat.... that wonderful thunderous sound. I have started to feel the quickening, it is so mild if you breathe you miss it... some describe it as butterflies... maybe... but it is more like gas bubble floating from one side to another... I don't know truly how to describe it... but when you really feel it for the first time and you can defiantly tell it isn't gas.... it is yet another amazing and wonderful reminder that you are not alone.

My partner is amazing through all of this, constantly checking in with me to see how I am feeling, and asking how does it feel, how do you feel right now. She says goodnight to the little squirt each night rubbing my belly before nodding off to sleep. She looks to me sometimes with awe, amazement and wonder. I know for her she would have loved to carry but circumstances beyond our control led us to my carrying again. So I try to ensure she is constantly aware of everything that is going on... doing all I can to include her in the daily events. I look forward to the first time she can feel the baby play with her from the inside of my belly. The other night she felt a kick, though some say it is far to early for her to feel it, I like to think she did. I am truly one of the luckies women alive... a partner who is so loving and a baby that is growing, healthy and a pregnancy so far that has been event free.

Week 13- the weight game!

So from one website to another information is different. In my handy dandy calendar of Pregnancy symptoms it says week 13 is the beginning of the 2nd trimester. Online it floats between 12 and 14... so for sanity sake let's just say I am approaching the beginning of the 2nd trimester.

So far so good though the nausea has not subsided yet. Just when I think it is leaving me for good I get a second wave. Thank God for sparkling water (w/o sodium when available) and green apples go figure. I have to say I will be happy when it leaves me as I love to eat but this is making it quite difficult.

Unlike the common saying you're eating for two the daily increase in calories is only 100 until I reach the 2nd trimester where it then jumps up to 300 per day. Not a whole lot when you think about it. To help visualize the increase it is, a 100 calorie increase equals 1 cup of skim or 1% milk, 300 would be 1 1/2 cups of milk, 1 fruit and 10 almonds not a whole lot when you think of it. Yet a lot of us use pregnancy as an excuse to over eat and then wonder... why is it so hard to lose the weight after baby.... the more unnecessary weight we put on during pregnancy the harder it will be to return to our pre-pregnancy weight.
The first two pregnancies I made the mistake of eating for two and it took me over 5 years to shed the weight, and I was breastfeeding for 4 of those years. This time I vow to gain only the weight necessary for the babies health. I am reading Leslie Beck's nutrition guide to a healthy Pregnancy on top of Feeding baby green by Dr. Greene. Both books concentrate on how to eat properly for pregnancy, one concentrates on the importance of whole foods etc. the other goes to talk about how refined sugars or condensed sugars affect the unborn child from birth through adulthood. Quite interested studies done to prove Dr. Greene's findings.

Anyway on to the next stage the 2nd trimester let's hope for a worry and stress free pregnancy!

My new friend called Nausea

Like clock work at 6 weeks nausea set in.

I sit writing this now as my friend visits me hopefully for a short time. Having just finished breakfast it is always nice to know you are not alone. Sarcasm is not my best suite.

Though it isn't like most women describe it where they are gagging thankfully, mine comes like a slow wave where my stomach just doesn't feel right. It happens whenever I eat making eating something I am now doing simply because I have to. I still get hungry, not ravenous but the knowledge that I am going to feel queasy after takes the fun out of it, and let me just say I love to eat!

I am trying Nux Vomica (Colubrina 200C) a homeopathic remedy to try to relieve it and it seems to work, sometimes. The Nausea tends to last anywhere up to about 30 minutes and then subsides until I eat again that is.

They say that Nausea is a good sign that the pregnancy is healthy... go figure. With my first two I had nothing. They were perfect pregnancies from what I recall and both were healthy boys.

When we were trying to conceive I prayed to the creator to help me achieve pregnancy. I said I welcome the morning sickness..... I think I would like to rephrase that :0). Kidding sort of.

As I sit here typing away trying to focus on something other than the nausea my partner assumes I am neglecting my chores, or failing to help her around the house (I have ADD so forgetting my chores isn't an uncommon thing for me to do). It isn't her fault as I have not announced how I feel and she can't be expected to know that each time I eat I feel nauseous. When she gets nauseous she sits or lays down it is what gets her through it... for me I have to remain busy it is the only way I feel I can cope. I can understand my clients partners more now... understand how they feel during the pregnancy as they are somewhat expected to know what the partner is going through at any given time. After all I somewhat expect it of my own partner. The understanding that she should know that each time I eat I feel nauseous and shouldn't have to ask, that she should understand that my typing is a form of distraction and not a way to ignore my responsibilities. Not complaining I would rather be in this boat than not pregnant.... but truthfully the nausea sucks!

Caught being Naughty

Last night we celebrated my partners semi return to health and the news of the baby with a friend by heading out dancing. My partner even partook in some drinks!

It was a great night and so when we got home we decided to continue the party ;0). As we were getting intimate my parter whispered "baby" now I know she wasn't calling me that ... she was thinking about the baby. Shit is all I could say.... I laughed it off and she pretended it wasn't what she said and we continued....

I am not sure if it was how long it had been (she had been ill for over a month), the fact that my pregnancy hormones were flying or a combination of them both but OH MY GOD..... it was intense... thus I was very vocal... my partner covered my mouth telling me I had to watch what I was saying.... stop calling out her name and defiantly stop swearing.... she whispered... she will know... she can't know what we are doing.... as if the act of our making love will be etched in the unborn child's memory.
It was so cute.... but at the same time I was able to feel what many women in my situation are feeling as their husbands or partners worry about the baby..... As our hormones are flying causing us to be hornier than a school boy our partners are getting used to the fact that inside of us is a little human being..... a human being that is living and breathing and growing! Right now there is no bump to remind her that the baby is there.... there is no movement to show the baby is reacting to how I am feeling... I wonder what will the upcoming months bring as I get hornier and she gets more aware. I know there will be a time when I won't feel like it but right now I am going to take as much as I can ... cause once that baby is visible.... it might prove to much for the whispering lover!

Then there is the flip side... as a Doula I know sex does not harm the baby, does not cause you to miscarry and is perfectly safe. Yet just before we were getting into it I wondered... should I not do this... should I just pleasure my partner and call it quits... can I lose the baby by indulging? I got over it quick but it was a split second worry I had.... funny what goes through your mind when the baby is yours!

My boobs are so sore

My boobs are getting so sore they feel full and tender to touch. I also feel like they are huge but my partner keeps insuring me they haven't changed in size or dimensions. Huh is all I say to that... I know they are huge.

It has been just over a week since the positive test results and I am keen to keep on top of all the pregnancy symptoms. The first to come was noticing how tired I was feeling. Of course now looking back during the week of my expected period I had told my naturopath that I was feeling so knackered.

Yesterday after walking a dog I came home and crashed on the couch. My partner laid patiently waiting for me to get up so we could go to a cafe and sit on a patio.. oops.

I am quite happy though to report my breast tenderness hoping that it is a good sign that I will be able to breastfeed despite my reduction in 2003. I still remember the doctor asking if I was planning on nursing again. At the time I answered no for two reasons one I did not think I would be having another child and two I thought he would deny me the much needed surgery. My back was killing me, I had marks left by my bra straps digging into my shoulders. I have no regrets I made my decision back then based on what was best for me. I only hope that decision does not take away from our child's benefits in being breastfed.

Pregnancy Test- Trial #2

During the final week leading up to my period I was sad, I could feel cramps coming on about day 28. The month prior my period came on day 32 so I knew my period was coming just was a matter of when not if.

I cried, I was so sad once again it wasn't going to be good news. Commercials made me tear if they had any mother and babies, if they were pregnancy tests, if they involved puppies that needed a home.

My partner kept saying relax have faith, but I was certain my period was on its way. During the insemination week my poor partner had come down with some bug that kept taking us back into the emergency room, my client went into pre-mature labour and my stress levels were elevated.

As days 28, 29 and 30 came and went I began to get agitated. I was so pissed why was my period delayed once again. Was it all that positive thinking I had done prior, the thinking I was pregnant so I would be pregnant kinda thing..... I wanted it to come and get over with it. My cramps remained consistent each day I was bombarded with the reminder that my period was coming. Day 31 came and I was certain the only way to bring on my delayed period would be to go take a pregnancy test.
I had been checking my cervix this whole time. It was hard, or was it soft. It was low, or was it medium I just never could tell.
So we went in on Monday July 25th and I urinated into a cup. It was around 4pm when I took it. The test line came up and showed that the test was working. The nurse that took the test took my test under the light. I had already declared a negative test as no line was seen.....

"you know" she said to me " I think there is a line."
What.... a line.... I was expecting her to say nope sorry not this time, maybe next time go home.
"I can't say for certain." she said " but I think you might just be pregnant take this test and do another one at home tomorrow morning when the HcG hormone is high.

That is what I did.... I took the new test home and re-did it in the AM.... and it was positive... I was pregnant! I was shocked after all the stress of the month my partner being sick, my client going into pre-mature labour, my big ol' polyps that were going to possibly impede on implantation. ..etc. etc. I still managed to do it.... I AM PREGNANT!!!!

The Wait

The wait from insemination to the day you find out you are pregnant is an interesting one. If you are like me wishing to see "signs" of pregnancy instead of patiently waiting for the 2 weeks to be over you may just go nuts.

I am on this site called fertility friend where you track your periods and insemination etc. So I plot down my BBT and all the signs that I am thinking I am feeling. For the past week I have had cramps like you get when your period is about to come. Daily and sometimes at specific times of the day. I test my breasts to see if they are tender, I watch my moods to see how they are. Nothing truly can tell you that you are positive until you take the test, despite all the info out there from other hopeful moms.

As for me the wait ended with a negative pregnancy test... despite all the pregnancy symptoms I had thought I had. Like tender breasts, cramps, exhaustion, delayed period and some bouts of heartburn.

On to the next trial....

Insemination Week!

So after months of planning and preparing my body we are now at the insemination stage. Our donor was picked and we decided that it is best for us to do a home insemination.

I have been seeing the fertility doctor for about a month now, checking all the hormone levels etc. Last months cycle they said that the follicle was big and healthy. The only news that wasn't so positive was the findings of some small uterine polyps. 2 at 1cm and 1 at 1/2 cm. Although the first finding stated that I had 2 at 3cm, after a month of Reiki the findings were smaller. could it be the Reiki worked or was it a mistake in the first ultrasound? I am going with the positive outlook that the Reiki is working.
So they said we could go ahead with the insemination and then decide if I would like to do something to remove them. The polyps will not cause miscarriage but can impede in the implantation phase. I have decided to go forth with the insemination and hope that things happen for us.

So our Donor came over on day 13, last cycle I ovulated on Day 14 which is why I planned for him to arrive on day 13 this month. My home ovulation test (which unfortunately expires this month) did not detect any ovulation, the blood work at the clinic showed that my estrogen levels are increasing nicely, which means I will be ovulating soon. We are now on day 15 and the home insemination kit still shows no ovulation and I am still waiting on the clinic to let me know the results for today.
As of today Day 15th we have done 2 inseminations and have 2 more scheduled. One tonight on day 15 and one tomorrow on day 16. Let us all hope I ovulate soon as sperm only last inside the body for a MAX of 5 days (some say 7) and min of 48hrs.
My ovulation was detected on day 18... very late for me but we shall hope for the best.

How I am feeling currently- excited, crampy, and a tad bit tired (but that could be the waking up at 6 for the blood tests).

Until next time ;0)

Turkey Baster Method

So now the donor is all lined up and we must go in more detail to the procedure we will use to get pregnant.

We decided that the best way to do this would be at home with the method they call the "turkey baster method." It isn't really a turkey baster but that isn't the point. We wanted this to be the most "organic" and "natural" way we could possibly do it. After much research online we found that sperm only lasts outside the body between 30 and 60 minutes. So the only way to do this and not kill off any sperm was to have the donor come to our place and squirt in a cup.

Ok and I thought asking the will you donate sperm was going to be awkward. How do you tell someone you will require them to come to your home 4 times in a period of a week and do the do? That was the next e-mail that went out, it was an interesting one and went over better than
we anticipated. After e-mails back and forth and the explanation of why it had to be done this way the donor was all for it. The donor and his spouse were amazing with everything.

So after he deposited his sperm in a sterile cup he left and our job began. For us we made sure that my lower portion was elevated during the insemination. My partner filled the syringe (we tried both sucking up the sperm and holding the tip closed and pouring the sperm into the syringe). Making sure to remove any air bubbles (they cause the sperm to come out of the vagina). After that she inserted it inside and slowly plunged it I laid there for 30 minutes. Oh and of course the most important part and fun we made sure I had an orgasm.

After that it is a waiting game to see if it took.

Who's Your Donor?

Who's your Donor?

When you are planning to have a child the question most straight fertile couples don't face is who is gonna be your donor. As a lesbian couple or an infertile couple, those are the things you must to ask.

My partner and I both took this question quite seriously. While we were away we came up with a list of possible donors we would want to use. We called it our short list, because, well there were not a lot of people we wanted to ask nor a lot we felt we could ask.

It is very important when selecting the other half of your child's DNA make up to choose carefully. Things we thought once seemed important played little on our selection. Sperm banks are great but the info they offer you, like height, eye color, highest education level completed and the such are not as important to us . What mattered most could only be found in those people you could really get to know. We wanted the sperm bank to be our final option should the people we asked choose to decline our request. Then of course there's the fact that in all of Canada there are only 40 sperm donors total, yup I said 40 donors for all of Canada.

So then it began our short list which was comprised of people we thought were sweet, kind, generous, caring, charismatic, energetic, passionate about anything in life, artistic, fun, funny, good natured, intelligent, compassionate, full of life and love, mature, non materialistic, vivacious, and warm hearted, just to name a few. We thought our list would be very short however in our small group of friends we were able to name at least 7 people we thought fit that. Then came the time to ask, I e-mailed each one of them. Yes I know what a cowardice way to go about it, but how do you ask 7 different people if they would donate the gift of life without it getting weird. Afterwards of course more talks came but the initial e-mails went out. I guess all in all I was afraid of rejection. I didn't want these amazing men to have to say no to my face because I knew the look on it would be of great sadness.

The responses I got were very positive and surprising. Many were very honored to be asked and some considered it in great depth. Those who I had thought would for sure say yes said no, and those who I worried about asking said yes. Now our short list became really short and after more in depth conversations it was down to two individuals who we trusted with our new life. We knew that when the day came and she or he was born they would not contest the birth, they would not sue us for custody and they would allow us to be the parents to this child. In the end now looking back as we discussed our donor, his name had always presented itself in our conversations. No matter how many times we came up with a new name his appeared in the best choice category.
It was a day I will remember always. The day the e-mail came back and they said "let's talk more about it, I would be honored to do it". That is the day that changed our lives forever. We now had a donor lined up, a man who we felt honored to have as our donor.

Then the next e-mail went back, the turkey baster method explanation, but that is another tale.

On a side note one person we asked caused a "red flag" and for those lesbian's out there choosing to use a known donor please listen up. If you are choosing a donor whom you do not want to have an "active" role in the your child's life past sperm giving, then please pay attention to this red flag. If you donor asks "what about the grandparents?, or you get a gut feeling that something just won't turn out right, no matter how much you like them or want a child decline and move on. For us that is what we did with one of the men we were putting on our short list. They wanted to know what type of visitation the grand-parents would get and that word alone caused us to immediately cross him off our list. You see in a "donor" situation the only grand-parents are those of your spouse and you, unless you choose otherwise.

No Camino...not even close!

We have been back roughly a little over 2 months....i would swear it has been a year or more. I will say something i never thought i would utter in my life....I want to be back on the Camino! I get it now...truly. It is so hard to explain what it feels like besides the obvious pain. I would gladly take that on again, although i feel the next time around i would have a bit more sense of packing light, which would mean, not combining two trips into one. I feel lost now that we are back. Sure we are back to a schedule of sorts. Viviana has started a new course of study and thrilled beyond measure. I know she has wanted to go back as well, walking. Why, would be a very good question. I miss the simplicity of it all. I did not have lots of crap to deal with. We walked, we ate, we slept. Anything more was a bonus, chatting, laughing, exploring. It was so very genuine and real. To be fair, we live in a very ugly noisy city where we can barely think with all the madness around us. People are a complete and utter disappointment. So self absorbed, distant, empty....disconnected. I wish it were different. I know we need to find new friend's or leave. Or perhaps both....not sure just yet.

All I know is the time for change is now and I am tired of waiting for it to come. I worry about what that will mean for our future but I know I have a wonderful partner who is along for the ride, so we are going to make it a good one!

Ciao, ciao,
K

Changes

I figure I should put a little something here for those of you who were following our blog. We have decided to attempt to write a book on our adventure so you will have to stay tuned for that. As for this blog here goes.

We found many things on the Camino but the most important thing we found was ourselves. I know it sounds like a bad cliche but truly that happened to us. it gave us the opportunity to see just who we truly were and who we could become.

The Camino doesn't hold any magical powers it does not make you become more than who you are nor does it change you. What it does is it gives you a platform in which you can find your true self, a blank canvas in which you can chose what colors you want to paint. It gives you the opportunity to be who you truly are.

Each one of us walking was there for our own reasons. Each one of us had a goal in mind. What none of us realized was that in the time we would walk the path of St. James we would transform ourselves into someone far more than we could have expected, if and only if we chose to do so. You see in life you have a choice, always have a choice and it is you who decides to accept what is offered to you or decline it. No one else writes your story nor choses your path because in the end the decision is always yours to make.

Though our reasons for walking may have been different we were all united by a single and common goal... To reach Santiago by the grace of God, the Creator or simply by the kindness of strangers.

I became on the Camino, what exactly is yet to be seen. I won't say right now as we are still processing all that we have learned along the Camino. It was an amazing experience one that I hope you whom are reading have the opportunity to do. I am so glad I had the opportunity to do this walk and even more that I was receptive to all it had to offer.

As I said before there is no magic on the Camino, it is simply a walk like any other. The magic does not lie in the ground which you walk on, nor the sky that you walk under it is in the kindness of strangers along the Camino, it is in the strength you will find to walk day in and day out. The magic is within you and always has been.. The camino simply allows you the time to re-connect with who you are and who you have always been.

Good luck finding your way and remember when the path is unclear follow the bright signs... they may not always be in plain sight but if you look hard enough you will always find your yellow arrow!

Viviana

Toe tally

greetings again. i realize now that we never gave the final toll on our feet etc. As it stands i have lost 3 toes nails. although one of the replaced nails does not look like it is too stable....so we shall see. Viviana lost one little fellow. all will be sadly missed but they are in a better place. I still cannot feel my big toe. i suppose i have to see someone about it...not sure who deals with that kind of thing? there is occasional pain from that same area on top of the foot but the ankle seems better. i also managed to mess up my one shoulder...from swinging my back pack onto my back all the time. i guess i used the same shoulder all the time...ooops! no chins ups for me for awhile (like that was ever going to happen...ha, ha!). Apparently we are both having lower back pain...our bodies are slow to the draw, not sure why? I am constantly getting charlie horses in my calves...not sure the body knows we have stopped the 25km a day thing just yet. we feel we walked as much in Italy with all the touring around. we actually rested less in Italy than on the camino. the good news is we both lost weight, enough we are happy with, considering we ate ourselves silly in Italy. Gelato every day cannot be good but soooo good!

adjusting to being back is still very strange for us. life is much more complicated now. the bills were here when we got home....is there no decency in the world! ah well, time to pay the piper or in this case the bank. we are accepting donations. or we will clean your home which ever.

ciao, ciao,
K